o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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