y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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