This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
