now i know why i became what i already was.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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