So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
