I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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