Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm both gender and math confused
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
