Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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