I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
