There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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