I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
