just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
