At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Two words: blizzard sex
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
