My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
