i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
