This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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