got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
