i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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