I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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