you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
