her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
