My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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