i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
