I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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