You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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