you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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