I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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