If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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