Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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