70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
