The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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