I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
