That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
