You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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