i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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