She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
