I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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