You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
