ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
