My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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