some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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