we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
