Are you still at the party or did I leave?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
