she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
