all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
