1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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