very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
