Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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