I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
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He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
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She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize