I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
