HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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