i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
