They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
