Soap is not a condiment
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
