I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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