They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
