Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
