That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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