just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
