I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
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Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize