haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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