dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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