When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
