Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
