I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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